A Very Good Dad

This morning, I was eating breakfast, groggy and tired from a difficult night with Cal. All of a sudden, I look up, and Reed and baby are cuddling and talking to each other. Cal was relaxed and happy -- I could just tell he loves being with his dad.

Reed, you are doing a wonderful job as a dad and as a husband. Cal and I love you!

Pictures of Cal

Heel Pricks, etc

It is very hard to let the doctor give your baby shots. Today, Cal needed his second PKU test, which meant getting his heel pricked with a needle. Poor little guy! When the nurse pricked him, he let out this little wail -- so upset! It only lasted for a few seconds, but it just broke my heart.

Next month, he has to get shots. I don't know if I can do this.

This kinda sums it up

I love being a mom, and I love my little baby.

Quotes from Childbirth

At the request of my Aunt Heather, I've decided to flesh out Cal's birth story with memorable quotes from the event.

"So....I'm having a baby."

-Spoken by me, mid-contraction, after we waited politely at the L&D desk for literally 7 minutes before even one of the ten chatty nurses behind it helped us.

"I'll give you the only birthing class you'll ever need in five words: Give me the epidural now. Let's practice. Scream it till you mean it."

-My Aunt Heather, who turned out to be 100% right.

"It's about first impressions."

-Spoken by me, to my Aunt (a doctor), after she told me it didn't matter if I cleaned myself before the OB came in for the first time.

"Are you sure you don't want one? They have inspirational messages inside!"

-Me, to every person who walked through the door, about Dove milk chocolate promises.

"Brooks, you must be very popular."

-Me to the anesthesiologist.

"Don't tell me not to live! Just sit and putter!"

-Me when the nurses kept telling me not to push.

"What an awkward maneuver to have named after you."

-Me, on the infamous McRobert's maneuver.

"Melissa, I'm gonna need you to man up and push harder."

-Me, to my sweet nurse Melissa, who held my leg, after three unsuccessful pushes. 

"You've literally got one more centimeter! I see his entire head!"

"Does he have hair?"

"Um...about like Reed."

-Exchange between me and my Aunt Heather (also one of the lucky two chosen to help me during McRobert's maneuver).

"I think you exaggerated how hard that was going to be."

-Me, to my mom, just after Cal's birth (now repeated by my mother to every person either of us have ever known)

Cal's Birth

Disclaimer: due to the fact that I count this blog as my journal (to excuse myself from not keeping a real one), this post may be very long and detailed. The  extra info is more for me -- sorry if it's hard to get through: I want to remember the little things, and this is where I write that stuff down.

The last time I blogged (sorry it's been a while!), Cal was still inside of me! That's crazy to think about. In my last post, I was having contractions and waiting to see where things were going. I know I'm going to make so many women mad by saying this, but delivering a baby was not as hard as I thought it would be. I would even go so far as to say it was easy. Here's how the whole thing played out:

So Monday morning, I woke up with contraction pain -- it felt like really bad cramps, and it came and went every 8 minutes or so. I rolled over in bed and told Reed (who was still kinda sleeping), "Hey, I think I'm having contractions." It was a really interesting situation, because yes, labor has started, and that's super important, and it means that something VERY exciting is about to happen, but then you think about it, and there's really nothing to do for about 6 hours (that is, if you're lucky and it happens 6 hours later, which it did NOT for me).

The whole day was marked by that feeling: the feeling that something exciting was happening, why are we all so calm...that kind of thing. Reed dropped me off at Heather's house, and we told her I was having contractions, and we were all pretty excited, but once again, it was like, "Well, cool...uh...call me in 6 hours." Reed and Heather went to their jobs, and I stayed home and watched "Bones" and "Law and Order" on Heather's DVR (not bad, right?), called my mom and Rosemary and gave them a heads up, talked to my sister and Diana, etc. When I told my mom, she said, "Okay great, I'll get in the car and drive up right now." I think that's when it hit me -- oh wow, this is really happening. 

My mom ended up getting a flight up to Palo Alto. Her place got in around 8:00pm, so that's where the day started to aim, if that makes sense. I labored all day, with contractions getting stronger and closer together, and I just thought, "I'll hold out until my mom gets here, and then we'll go to the hospital." It's hard to know when to go! Mom'll know -- that's a very good life motto.

When my mom got here, we got in the car and drove to Labor and Delivery at Stanford hospital, and the nurse at the desk (who never even LOOKED at me -- cranky!) sent me to a hospital room. I was in a good amount of pain by this time. I got dressed in a hospital gown and everything (the whole time, I was thinking, "Are you guys sure I belong here yet?), and a nurse came in and checked my cervix. 

1.5 centimeters. Are you kidding me? There was nothing to do but go home. This was hard on me -- it was like being fired or something. Very disappointing. We all went home to Heather's house (it was about 9:30pm), and we immediately sent Reed to bed. Heather, my mom and I stayed up talking for a while, and then Heather went to bed as well (Heather and Reed have jobs!).

At 3:00am, Reed woke up and came out to the front room to see how I was doing. I was still awake -- my mom was dozing in one of the chairs, but I was wired! The three of us decided to go back to the hospital (it had been 6 hours now -- surely I had to have progressed!). The same cranky nurse was working the desk, I gave her my info, and she put me in the hospital room, gave me a hospital gown, etc. 

Still 1.5 centimeters. I can't really describe what it feels like to be told, your baby's not really coming, just go home. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it was really, REALLY hard to hear that. You're just so tired of being pregnant and huge, and you've been waiting so long to meet your little baby, and you're overly-emotional and anxious, and worried about the delivery, and on and on and on...and then someone says, "Just kidding! Not really!" It's hard. For me, that was actually the hardest part about the whole experience.

Well, the nurse actually took it one awful step further and told me I wasn't really in labor. She said I was dehydrated. I almost started crying, and when she left the room, my mom said, "Totally bogus!" If given the choice, I think I trust the woman who's had 6 kids over the uptight nurse.

The other thing that was frustrating about not progressing, was that I knew my body wouldn't do it by itself. My mom always needed pitocin in order for her labors to go anywhere, and I knew it would be the same for me -- I'd already been in labor for almost 24 hours, and it was going nowhere. However, the nurse (the same one who said I was dehydrated) said that they wouldn't use pitocin to induce delivery until I was past due -- which would have been 2 weeks later! Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

This is where my mom stepped in. With her really kind "mom voice," she asked the nurse if we could speak to the doctor on call, and then pled my case using her own childbirth history. The nurse surprised us -- she stepped out to call the doctor, and then came back into the room and asked if I wanted to be induced at 8:00pm that night (this was at 3:30am on Tuesday). Hallelujah.

We went home [again], but this time I felt much more hopeful, because I knew I would be helped along in my labor at some point. It was also good to be able to sleep most of the morning, so that I'd have energy for delivery.

Well, Reed got up and went to work (he didn't want to go in, but there was nothing to do at home but wait), and so did Heather. After my mom and I woke up later, we passed the afternoon at Michael's, Bed Bath and Beyond, Target, etc. I was having really strong contractions at this point -- 8 out of 10. When we were in Michael's, a man was helping us frame an old photo of my great grandparents (a present for Heather for helping us out so much over the summer), and I kept having to grit my teeth and breathe hard, and we finally told him, "Oh don't worry, she's just in labor." Good times.

We brought Chipotle home for the four of us, and then took Winnie pups to dog group at 6:30pm (I went, too). It was pretty funny, because the dog owners (many of whom I know by now) would ask, "So remind me, when's the baby due?" and I'd say, "Oh, about an hour." Then they'd laugh, and I'd say, "No, really."

It was so good to go back to the hospital knowing that I'd be induced (I guess it wasn't true induction -- I mean, I was in labor, just not progressing). At about 9:oopm, I was in my hospital gown, in my hospital bed, in my hospital room, ready to have the baby! An added bonus was that I was 3cm this time. (I was still very happy to be getting pitocin, though!)

[Enter] a never-ending stream of people needing to poke me with needles, check my blood pressure, measure my cervix, take my temperature, time my pulse, etc. I was proud of myself for being brave about the needles, though. 

Next, a wonderful man named Brooks came in a gave me an epidural. The epidural wasn't as creepy as I thought it would be. Everyone always describes this huge needle that someone jabs in your back like a steak knife... in reality, it's a plastic tube about the width of a hair that goes right under the skin. NOT SCARY. They just use the needle to insert the tube, and then the needle is removed. It didn't even hurt -- the only part that hurt was the novacaine they use first, to numb the skin. That just stung a bit. Then all pain stopped. Yay for modern medicine!!! :)

I was hooked up to pitocin (there were all sorts of bags of liquid hanging from the IV thing), and was all set!

For the next hour or so, the four of us (Reed, my Mom, Aunt Heather and I) just hung out and watched Law and Order. Then they went home, the nurse turned off the lights, Reed fell asleep on the little couch/bed by the window, and even I napped for a few hours. 

There was one point in the night where the epidural wasn't working -- that hurt like WHOA. I pushed my call button like a nutcase, and tried to use a polite voice when the nurse came in, but I probably just had this huge frantic smile on my face. I was like, "HEY IS BROOKS STILL HERE??? OH GREAT COOL COULD YOU SEND HIM IN??? THANKS! HEY BROOKS HOW YA DOIN YEAH SOMETHING'S WRONG!!! " He came and fixed whatever was wrong, and I went back to "better living through chemistry," as Heather says.

We had a really, REALLY sweet nurse named Melissa. She woke me up at about 2:00am (Wednesday morning) and told me I was at 9cm -- crazy because I wasn't feeling any pain whatsoever. Reed woke up (he is very cute when he's that groggy), and we talked about how we were going to have a baby in literally a few hours! I know that sounds cheesy, but it really was such a crazy, exciting feeling!

So around this time, my epidural started wearing off. I wasn't really in pain, but I could feel pressure with each contraction. (Little did I know, that is actually the ideal state for delivery, because you can feel enough to push, but nothing hurts). So I called the nurse and told her, and she said she'd call Brooks.

Actually, what happened was: all of a sudden, in this dark hospital room, one of the machines started beeping -- like a warning beep -- and I whispered to Reed to wake up and look at the computer monitor. We couldn't figure out what it was, but I said, "I bet it's my epidural. I think it is wearing off." -- and sure enough, when Melissa came back, she said, "Oh, you're out of pain medicine."

That was sort of a theme of the last part of delivery. I felt like I just knew what was happening, even when the doctors or nurses told me differently.

For example, Brooks ended up not being able to come right away, and at about 2:30am, I called the nurse in again. Earlier, when she had told me I was 9cm, I had asked her if I should call my mom so she could get to the hospital in time, and Melissa had told me, "Oh, you've got plenty of time, it'll probably be 2 hours from now." Something about how I was feeling told me it was NOT going to be that long, but I said okay! Well, when she came in at 2:30, I said, "Hey, Brooks hasn't come, but that's okay. I think I want to start pushing."

She said, "Don't push yet. I'll call Dr. Hong's nurse." 

That's when I called my mom. I told her, "Hey, I'm not sure when they think this is going to happen, but I KNOW this is going to happen very soon."

So the other nurse came in and checked my cervix at 2:45am, and was like, "Oh, um...just a second," and then got on the intercom and said, "I need the OB in here immediately."

30 seconds later, all sorts of nurses were in the room, but the OB (Dr. Hong) wasn't there yet. They were all trying to act calm, but I could tell they were rushing as fast as they could to put gloves on and what not. They broke down the bed, and I got into that oh-so-famous position with my feet on the stirrups, and then my mom and Heather arrived (that was at 2:54am).

A minute later, Dr. Hong comes in, and starts putting on gloves and an apron and everything, and the nurses are like, "Don't push! Don't push!" and I'm thinking, "Well then put your gloves on faster!"

Then, there's this REALLY awkward, super-flattering maneuver (which is named after somebody) where two people push against your legs while you push. Very cute. I pushed through 4 contractions, and the baby was out (this was at 3:04am -- 9 minutes after my mom  and my Aunt Heather got there)!

It was so crazy when they put baby on my chest for the first time, right after he had come out. Apparently, Dr Hong was stitching me up from where I'd torn a little, but I didn't even know! I was pain-free and totally focused on baby Cal. He was blue and warm and had this look on his face like, "What the heck just happened!?!" I remember his little arms and legs were shaking and his little head was right up next to my cheek. I will never forget what that felt like on my skin! He gave a little cry at one point -- more like a little shriek of protest, and I just looked at my mom with this shocked expression. This was MY baby!

The OB clamped the cord (they asked Reed if he wanted to, but we had talked about how he DIDN'T have to, and he said the doctor could do it...he might get grossed out. I was totally fine with that). I was really proud of Reed. He wasn't queezy or anything, at any point during the whole ordeal. Maybe because it happened so fast, but really, he did great!

The nurses took Cal over to the little warming table where they weighed him and cleaned him off, and Reed was right there looking on. Reed was such a good dad from minute one -- wanting to see, to hold the baby, to be involved. It was wonderful to watch. My Aunt Heather was snapping pictures of baby, and I just kept looking at my mom in total, happy disbelief. Baby Cal gave a few more sudden little cries from the table -- I couldn't see him from where I was, so it was just crazy to hear him every few minutes or so, like "Leave me alone!"

Then they brought him back to me, and we just snuggled! Reed took a turn holding him, then my Aunt and my mom gave Cal some lovin'. I was wheeled to the recovery room, Reed went with Cal to the nursery to give him a little bath, and then they both came back in about an hour. Mom and Heather went home to sleep.

In the hospital room, I snuggled with Cal, and Reed was passed out in a recliner next to my bed (the poor guy was SOOOOO tired -- I felt great). At about 7am, I called Heather and asked if one of them could come and relieve Reed so that he could go home and sleep (he looked awful). not only did Heather come, but she brought me a banana-chocolate smoothie from Starbucks (which I downed in about 4 minutes)!

My mom took the afternoon shift, and then Reed came back and stayed with me for the evening. However, we all sent him home for the night to sleep because he had to give a presentation for the Execs at Apple the next day, which would determine if he gets a job or not. Crazy how these two huge events came on almost the same day! So I spent that first night (the night after the birth) alone with Baby Cal. It was such a special moment, just the two of us -- the nurses let him sleep in the bed with me, and he was just so warm and pink and tiny! 

It was even better the next night, because Reed stayed in the hospital with me, and it was just the three of us -- Mom, Dad and Baby. I will never forget that time -- it was honestly just magical. I don't know how to describe it. I still needed a LOT of help from nurses and medicine and everything -- it was very hard to move around, and I almost fainted the first time I stood up to use the bathroom. But even with all that, the time in the hospital, with Reed and baby, was something I will treasure my whole life. It was such a wonderful experience. 

Welcome, Baby Cal! 6 pounds, 10 ounces. Born at 3:04am on July 15th 2009! We waited a long time for you, and we we loved you before you even got here! Welcome to our family!

Is this labor?

I woke up this morning experiencing contractions! They come every 7 minutes, and hurt, but they're not excruciating or anything. I took a walk this morning, and now I'm afraid they might be getting weaker. Please, little baby. Just come!